The Choices We Make

Last week I finished reading a book entitled "Mommy Wars". Nope, it was not a chick-lit novel chronicling the mommy competitions that go on in cities and suburbs around the world. It was a collection of essays from real-life moms who are on different sides of the dividing line between SAHMs (stay-at-home-moms) and working mothers, and those who straddle that line -- the part-time workers or the work-from-home moms.

This has always been the age-old dilemma: to work or not to work? To pursue interests outside the home, or to devote oneself full-time to being a mother who's always there?

The competition between mothers is one of the fiercest, and subtlest, ones there is. Who gets to raise the "best" kids takes the cake and eats it -- but if one happens to bring home the bacon as well, then isn't it that much more fulfilling? Having a high-flying career is such an impressive achievement, esp. for a woman with a family -- but isn't raising one's kids full-time a serious and noteworthy feat as well?

In schoolyards and neighborhoods worldwide, there is always pressure to be "perfect" mom. More often than not, this icon of perfection is taken to be the stay-at-home mom, the one who is always there at the end of the day, waiting by the door with a big smile, and one who can:

• bake the yummiest brownies and cakes from scratch, with perfect little fondant toppings on top
• hand-sew the little one's Halloween costumes, using real feathers and sequins and whatnot
• welcome the kids with a glass of milk and a plate of cookies when they come home
• know all of the children's classmates and teachers by heart
• actively participate in all school activities like coordinating the closing programs, or chaperoning the class on a field trip
• drive the kids to school in the family van and fetch them back again in the afternoon
• keep a Stepford-Wives-worthy home and still be fit and attractive to boot.

In truth however, SAHMs may just as be likely to give the kids store-bought cupcakes, chips and soda, as anybody else. Dozens of Halloween costumes can be bought anywhere, so why tire yourself out needlessly? School bus service is available to ferry the kids to school and back, and attendance to school activities is tiring enough without having to devote numerous days arranging them as well. And SAHMs have numerous interests as well, but may not have the opportunity, time, energy, or resources to pursue them.

As for the working mothers out there, there is no small amount of pride in being able to juggle a demanding profession with motherhood. Doctors, engineers, lawyers, architects, writers -- there will always be females in these fields who choose to return to work full-time after giving birth. Are they to be taken as less-than-perfect then, for choosing to nurture their professions in parallel with nurturing their brood? Although working moms -- full-timers or part-timers -- may seem to exemplify "having it all", there may still be a nagging feeling of being... conflicted.

How so? Consider:

• Other people (albeit "other" may mean relatives anyway) see to the day-to-day raising of your kids while you arrive in the evening and spend only a few hours of waking time with them
• You may not always be available to participate in school programs, however much you want to
• You may want to cook and bake stuff from scratch but there simply is not enough time and energy to spread around
• There is that niggling guilt that your children may suffer from your having a career of your own and not spending all day everyday with them.

The dividing line, although invisible, is a strong one, pressuring one into taking sides: who's the better mother, the abler provider? The SAHM may resent the working mother because she is pursuing her dreams and is professionally established and has a disposable income of her own. On the other hand, the working mom may be frustrated and jealous of the mother who stays home with the kids, simply because the latter has the time and presence that the former is unable to give because she is in the office all day.

But is that line really necessary? Does being a working mother mean one loves her children less? Does being a SAHM mean one should be taken less seriously than those who work?

I am a working mother myself, a chemical engineer who has worked from the time she graduated from university, with the exception of two counts of maternity leave. At this moment, my decision to pursue a career feels right to me. I am happy with using my talents and my skills in the professional world. I feel all the more fulfilled coming home at night knowing that I have done my best at work, and am now about to spend time at home to unwind with my family. I believe that I am a better mother because of it.

During my maternity leave a couple of months ago though, I experienced what it means to be a SAHM -- and it gave me a new perspective. It is not easy at all. Far from it. A SAHM needs to have a serious skill in multitasking, not to mention a deeper well of patience. I had this notion that I would just have endless lazy days reading and lounging around during my leave. Boy, was I proven wrong! And to think that my leave coincided with the summer school break, at that!

I have a lot of respect for stay-at-home moms. I have a lot of respect for working mothers. I have a lot of respect for those who work form home.

Whatever our choices, we make them in light of what we believe is best for our family at that time, in those specific sets of circumstances. We manifest our love for our children and our husbands and families in varying ways.

Whether we work or stay at home, whether we earn our own keep or keep house, at heart we are all the same.

We are Mothers, and we will always do the best we can.