Christmas Blues

It creeps up on me in unexpected ways. I'd think that I was actually coping very well, and then suddenly, the tendrils of memory reach out and twine themselves around me, taking my breath away with the bittersweet sadness of it all.


I miss my mother. So much. It has now been 230 days. At times her memory is so bright and clear and sharp that I half-believe for a few moments that she is just a phone call or a text message away, that she will tell me what she had for dinner, or what she saw at the mall, or watched on TV. And yet some reminiscences are soft and blurry around the edges, and I have to focus to catch these fleeting vignettes -- her touching concern when my sister or I would be sick, the way she would send an SMS just saying "Hi".


After seeing her bravely face the "Big C", keeping as positive an outlook as possible the whole time, we all kept on praying and hoping that she would emerge victorious. But medicine had its limits, and her prognosis worsened. From praying for a full recovery, we eventually included asking for a peaceful transition from this Life to the Next.


I am very, very thankful that the latter was granted to us. That we, her family, were there with her in her last moments, hopefully helping ease her passing, if even for a second.


Christmas was "her" holiday. It was from her that I got my love of gift-giving and holiday decorations and Christmas songs. Of shiny wrapping paper and twinkling lights.


This Christmas was the first one we spent without her. A lot of the traditions continued -- putting up the Christmas tree and other ornaments, looking for the perfect presents, placing the red/green tablecloth on the table, the Christmas lunch with the family. 


On the surface everything seemed to be unchanged. And yet things were never going to be the same again. For my father, for my sister, for me. And for the numerous lives she has touched over the years.


Life goes on. I miss her still.

Family Dinner Out (The Thank You Chronicles: Jan 3)

We had dinner out today: the hubby, the not-so-little girl, the toddler, and I. It was not a typical adult's ideal romantic dinner in a quiet, upscale establishment with silverware, cut-glass crystal and pristine tablecloths, with flattering lighting and unobtrusive staff -- it was most definitely nothing of the sort!


We ate at Pizza Hut. In a mall. With two kids in tow, that was the place that was least stressful as we could sit down and order instead of queueing, and there was enough space for them to move around.


No, it was not a romantic dinner at all. What it was, however, was a dinner that was centered on family. On love.


I am thankful for these today:

1. Being able to go home early. Not that we played hooky or anything, we just (hubby and I) decided to pack our things and leave the office right after all commitments and meetings had been attended to, to be able to spend a bit more time with the kids. It being the first day of work for the year, people still seemed to be in a catch-up mode, wading through piles of email and reports, seemingly engrossed in solitary bubbles. Not a lot of meetings in the late afternoon, so off we went.
2. The not-so-little girl was making strides toward being mature.  For the most part, that is. She is still a little girl after all. But we were so proud of her, with almost no whining about why it was taking so long for her to have her much-awaited vanilla milkshake. She happily carried her baby sister's diaper bag with nary a complaint. She even ate all the food on her plate without too much prodding. Yes, these are the stuff of which parents' dreams are made.
3. Baby's jolly utterances of "I Love You". Our toddler has exhibited a seemingly exponential spurt of verbosity during the holiday break, from identifying colors and shapes, to spouting off numbers and letters, to making a "roll call" of sorts among those in the house. But the most melodious amongst her utterances are these three words: "I... Love... Youuuuu!"

No, it was definitely not a romantic dinner at all. But it was full of love nonetheless.

Simple Weekend Pleasures (The Thank You Chronicles 2011: Jan 2)

It is now the second day of the year, and a Sunday, at that. It's the last day of our holiday break, boohoo! Tomorrow is another working day. There, the post-holiday blues have kicked in.


Oh well, time to plan for the next break then!


Still in keeping with my resolution to actively Give Thanks (see my previous entry), here are the things I am grateful to have experienced today.

1. Barney's "I Love You" song. With two kids under the age of seven in the house, it is inevitable that Barney (and Sesame Street, Dora, Little Einsteins, and the Backyardigans) figures a prominent role in their viewing habits. My husband and I have become so used to hearing Barney and company's songs that we have actually caught ourselves humming them, even when the TV is off! Talk about LSS (Last Song Syndrome). This morning, when the I Love You song came on, our toddler went to enfold her hand in mine ("Come on, Mama"), held her older sister's hand at the same time, and then we all swayed and sang to the ubiquitous Barney tune. It was not an earth-shattering performance, but it was heartwarming nonetheless.
2. A midday jaunt around the golf course. At midday today the golf course was practically deserted, so the two kids and I walked over right after lunch and had an enjoyable time traipsing around, going up and down the mounds and just running around. The noontime sun was gentle, the breeze bracingly fresh. It was an absolute pleasure to see the little ones being so innocent and carefree. Would that I had more times like this with them.
3. Having the hubby drive back home safely. He had to drive family members back to their place, and drove back to our home again, all in one day. I am thankful that he did not meet any road mishaps, nor get entangled in heavy traffic (esp. with people going back from their vacations and clogging up the roads). He may have arrived home a bit sore and tired from driving, but he is home, and he is safe.

I am thankful.